i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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