my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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