Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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