He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
