she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
BRING THE BAGELS
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
