I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.