Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity