no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
