You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
