I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
