Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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