I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
