Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
