hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
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Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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