Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
