I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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