Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
