I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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