I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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