Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
