I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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