i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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