No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
