There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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