Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
