Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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