I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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