He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie