Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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