u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
