where am i from again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
