I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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