so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
