Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
