Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
