i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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