you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
