If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
