doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
