This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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