I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
