Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
