I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
