I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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