I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
