Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
