You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
