I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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