You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
