i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
