I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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