Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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