It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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