I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
