Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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