I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
